Double Trouble

As you may have noticed I have been on a hard core nostalgia kick.  I knew when I was in trouble when I had the urge to read a Sweet Valley High book...don't judge me :-)  I used to read them back when I was in middle school (having outgrown them by high school) and  remember rolling my eyes at them even then.  That being said I still devoured them all the way through the weird and disturbing super specials when they got into the 100's.  It took me a while to hunt down the original first book, they have rereleased them with "updates" which I will rant about shortly, but I wanted to read the originals in all of their early 80's glory. I'll give you a quick synopsis and then we can ramble on about it.  As always SPOILERS AHEAD.

Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield are perfect size 6 blond haired, aqua eyed, perfectly tanned 16 year old identical twins who live with their lawyer mother, interior decorator father, and college student brother in Sweet Valley, California.  We know the Wakefied twins are beautiful because we are told this in apx 85 of the 182 pages of the book.  Elizabeth is bookish, smart, a wanna-be writer and a complete pushover.  Jessica is wild, vibrant, spoiled and has a few diagnosable mental disorders.  We start our story with Elizabeth mooning over Todd Wilkens the oh so handsome captain of the high school basket ball team.  We learn that it sounds like Todd maybe, kinda of sorta likes Elizabeth in that way too, you know likes likes her. Unfortunately for Lizzy, her twin has decided that she is in love with Todd. Jessica pulls all kinds of hijinks to get Todd to notice her, all the while feeding him stories about Elizabeth's supposed popularity and lack of time for Todd.  Elizabeth notices the two of them together and decides to swallow her feelings for Todd so that her sister can be happy.  Meanwhile she decides to bury herself in her writing when she is assigned to write about a court case between the uber new and rich Fowlers, the uber old and rich Patmans, and the school on the matter of who can use the land the football field is currently on. The twins dad is one of the lead lawyers for this case and it causes him to spend a lot of time with the beautiful and recently divorced Marianna West.  This of course sends the Wakefield children into all kinds of unfounded speculation on the possibility of their father having an affair and leaving their mother.  Todd makes the unforgivable mistake of not worshiping the ground Jessica walks on for every waking second so she decides to go out with the bad boy Rick Andover.  Rick has dropped out of school, has tattoos and drives fast cars, and has now decided he is into Jessica.  Jessica being the brilliant person that she is agrees to go with Rick and ends up in the
middle of a bar brawl when she objects to his pawing of her person.  She is brought home by a friendly police officer who mistakes her for Elizabeth which is of course seen and heard by the school gossip. Now in Jessica's very minimal defense, she did not now the gossip had overheard, so she had no way to correct her.  The next day EVERYBODY at school (without the help of cell phones, Facebook, or any type of social media mind you) is talking about Elizabeth's bad boy encounter. Todd gets all self righteous and decides he can never forgive her for what she has done, even though he has barely spoken to her before the incident, does not actually know what happened, and is getting all his information second and third hand.  More hijinks ensue, and Elizabeth is devastated to be pegged as "the bad girl".  Jessica eventually confesses it was her that the gossip saw and promises to fix it for Lizzy.  She admits to Todd that it was her, but his head is so far up his own ass that he thinks that Jessica is just trying to cover for Liz and he asks her to the dance.  Elizabeth is asked by the class clown Winston Egbert, who has been in love with Jessica since grade school.  Through out the dance, Todd cannot keep his eyes off of Elizabeth, pissing of the royal and all wonderful Jessica, who of course must have her revenge.  After the dance Jess tells Liz that Todd tried to take things further then she wanted to go and almost would not take no for an answer...yep...awesome.  Todd calls Elizabeth the next day, condescendingly telling her he "forgives" her for her actions with Rick...which never happened...and even if it did there is nothing to be sorry for, she was the victim...anyways Elizabeth still thinking that he attacked her beloved sister coldly shuns him, quit possibly one of the only reasonable things she does in this book.  The family also finds out that Steven (the college brother, who is also impossibly handsome) is dating Tricia Martin, a girl from the wrong side of the tracks, this sends Jessica into another manic depressive spin, but more on that later.  Eventually Stevens parents sit him down and tell him it is ok for their special little guy to date that girl with the druggie sister and drunk dad...as long as she doesn't have any of those problems.  The family all ends up getting their stories straight, Steven gets his girl, the Wakefield parents are obviously not getting a divorce, and all is almost right with the white upper middle class world.  Of course we must have one last bit of chaos, so Rick essentially kidnaps Jessica and Elizabeth and is saved by the heroic, if judgy Todd.  Elizabeth and Todd actually have a conversation, work everything out and end up in love.  Elizabeth tries to talk to Jessica about all of the heinous stunts she pulled, but Jess turns on the waterworks and Liz caves.  Elizabeth gets a bit of revenge by getting Jessica thrown into a pool, but that is it after her dear sister tried on several occasions to ruin her life.  And that my friends is the first installment of the soap opera that is Sweet Valley High.

Oddly enough I actually have a lot to say about this little gem, there is just so much that is horribly horribly wrong about it, yet it is some how still oddly appealing.  Anyways lets jump right in.  First off let us address the travesty that is updating books. Don't do it, just don't.  Books were/are written in certain eras and most of the appeal of the book is in some ways its datedness, I don't want to read about the twins using Facebok, or being a perfect size 4 (so so so so so so wrong)!  I want my perfect size 6 (also wrong, but in a different way), I want my Dairy Burger, and I want my land line phone gosh darn it.  Ok so now that is out of the way lets talk about our leading ladies.  Growing up I always knew that these two girls were not in any way realistic at all, and I was all of 12 when I started reading these, that being said, I always identified more with Jessica then Elizabeth, if for no other reason then Elizabeth was such a wussy pushover!  In pretty much every instance Elizabeth caves, to her parents, her teachers, her friends, but mostly to Jessica, whom she adores with an unhealthy devotion.  The relationship between the two girls if very one sided, with Jessica getting almost all the benefits and Elizabeth thrilled when Jessica is bored enough, or in enough trouble to use her. Elizabeth very rarely gets the upper hand in any situation, yet oddly enough is portrayed as extremely popular and well liked.  This lack of self confidence comes into play in her choice of boyfriend, not to get to deep into a mass produced, soap opera of a book, but her choice of Todd as a boyfriend is a bit messed up.  He gets all high and mighty and judgmental, feeling like it is within his right to make her miserable over an event that he has decided is wrong.  Never mind that he does not even have the facts, that he has never even really talked with Elizabeth and gotten to know her, nope doesn't matter, if Mr. Handsome Captain of the Basketball Team and Judge and Jury of Sweet Valley High School makes up his mind that Elizabeth is a dirty dirty whore then she is to be cast aside and shunned...unless he decides to forgive her and pretend it never happened.  Ladies this is NOT the guy you want to be dating, you will always be worried about pissing him off, you will be apologizing for everything, even if you are not wrong, and God forbid you ever have an

opinion that differs from his, seriously potential bad juju here.  This however seems to be right up Elizabeth's alley as the put-upon, wishy washy giver upper.   Moving on to Jessica.  I will give Jessica an under the table high five for figuring out how the people around her work and using it to her advantage.  She is conniving and border line evil, but she knows how to get what she wants. I think I have always like Jessica because she felt like a more honest character, one who knew she was the standard of 1980's all American beauty and had no issues using that to her advantage.  She is quick on her feet and seems to be able to turn any situation to her advantage, you go girl.  She also seems to be suffering from some sort of manic depressive disorder. She has some very extreme emotional swings, and not all of them are attributable to scheming manipulations.  The number of times she goes from genuine sobbing, to elation and back down to depression actually indicates the need for some kind of therapy and diagnosis.  I won't even get into the various class, race, and morality issues that are so prevalent in this (and the other books), I will save that rant for later books, because my darling readers I will be reading more of these.  Now that I have started I can't stop, so I will be hunting down the best/worst examples in the series and hiding them under my bed (that is where all my guilty pleasure books go) and every once in a while pulling one out to eviscerate just for fun.  I hope you have enjoyed my trip down memory lane and my obvious enjoyment in ripping this book to shreds.  This book teaches us that it is all about the looks, and barring that the money, where if you are conniving and manipulative it is ok if you are 5'6 size 6, blond and blue eyed, you can be a complete push over and still get the overbearing judgy guy, and that in the end all your first world problems will be solved, I give this book 2 out of 10 school newspapers for new readers (especially the 10-16 crowd) and an 8 our of ten red Fiats for nostalgia/guilty pleasure reads.
PS if you want some great snark/nostalgia combo check out these posts, I waste way to much time on these!
Are you a Jessica or and Elizabeth?  Do you wonder why I read these just to rip them apart?  What is your nostalgic guilty pleasure?